WHERE BATTLE IS WON BY QUITTING THE BATTLEFIELD

In this article, I am going to deal with quarrels and contentions which often take place in between two life partners.
In Hindi there is an old proverb “Chauke mein ek se jyaadaa bartan honge toh kabhi na kabhi toa khatenkeinge hi” (If there are more than one vessel in the kitchen, it is most likely that they occasionally will collide and make noise). This proverb is often referred to quarrel, anger or strife in between two life partners. After such incidents partners stop speaking to each other, sometimes for few hours and sometimes for several days. In some cases small contentions or quarrels lead even to dissociation of family relations.
Cause of anger is always associated with one of the following reasons:
(i) When we desire somebody to do something in a particular manner and we find that such person has-
· either not done such thing; or
· done such thing in undesired manner.
(ii) When we do not desire certain types of things from a person to be done but she/he does such things and we are hurt.
In each case, cause of anger can be attributed with our expectations and desires. In most of the cases, while forming or expressing our desire, we ignore the capacity and capability of the person from whom we expect something and due to this reason our desires remain unfulfilled. Student of I standard does not know beyond what is taught in I standard. Knowing this fact if we put a question based on the material which is taught in senior classes and expect from the student to give answer of the question then we will be wrong in our expectation. In this case our desire will not be fulfilled and that will become cause of our unhappiness leading to anger. A person may go on asking questions from a mad person who does not understand any thing. The mad person either will not answer the questions and will keep mum or will say some irrelevant things. This will again become cause of anger for the person putting questions before the mad man. What you will call the person who is putting questions before the mad man.
What I mean to say is that while forming or expressing our desires which are to be fulfilled by others, we should always take into account the capability and capacity of the person from whom we expect our desires to be fulfilled. In own case too, it equally applies. Our expectations should be based on our capabilities and capacities. When we expect a person to do something but she/he fails to do that, we can visualize following three circumstances:
(i) the person is incapable of doing that thing; or
(ii) the person may not get you what you want to be done by him; or
(iii) the person, because of any reason, does not think it proper to be done.
In my opinion, there should not be any cause of anger. Persons, of first category being ignorant, deserve sympathy. Persons of second category also cannot be blamed simply because they are unable to follow you. People often use phrase, “pardon me! I could not get you”. In this case, instead of getting irritated you always explain your view point. In third case too, person is not at fault because every person is expected to do whatever he thinks proper. Simply, other person should not be punished far having different opinion. Where you have asked to do something which is patently useful and proper also for the person who has been asked to do but the person even then refuses to do such thing because he does not consider it proper, then he can be included in persons of first category. Therefore, in this case also, there should be no cause for irritation or anger. But it is not possible unless a person is cool headed.
So far as it is related to cause of quarrels or contentions in between husband and wife, barring cases of quarrel or contention associated with planned exploitation of one partner by the other, in my opinion, in other cases the cause of quarrel or contention may be attributed to following main reasons:
(i) problem of ego satisfaction;
(ii) expectations;
(iii) misunderstanding;
(iv) wrong assessment due to difference of opinion or otherwise;
(v) wrong notions;
(vi) wrong acts related to emotions and feelings, unfair criticism of other’s close relatives or wrong doings of one of the partners which hurt feelings of other partner.
In first five cases, quarrel starts with dissatisfaction. A person forms a notion or draws a conclusion which in her or his opinion is undesirable. In the process, energy level within her/him increases. The person becomes tense. The increased energy results in burst out of anger. This energy is of destructive nature. Then the person expresses her/his anger in words to her/his partner. When one partner says something to the other and such other partner does not relish it then second partner gets irritated. Due to irritation he also reacts in anguish. First partner in order to prove his version reacts further and thereafter the second partner does the same thing. So the battle goes on and anger on both sides reaches to its climax. In the process, energy levels are increased. At this moment anything can happen including beating of an innocent child, manhandling, abusing or throwing of inanimate objects. Finally, process of quarrel ends in discontinuation of dialogue in between them. Energy levels which have been increased do not fall to normal levels and both people remain tense. Thereafter, their normal routine gets disturbed.
In first five cases, each of them claims to be right and nobody wants to be on lower side. In sixth case, the other partner’s feelings get hurt. In all cases, the contention continues till the start of normal dialogue between the partners. But when both partners are at 180 degree, (facing outwards) how dialogue can be initiated in between them, is a big problem.
How a couple can get rid of such quarrels or contentions? My first suggestion is that as far as it is possible, situations which give rise to such quarrels or contentions should be avoided. But always it is not possible. If we think on the origin of a quarrel, we are reminded of a Hindi proverb “Kabhi ek haath se taali nahin bajatee” (It takes two to make a quarrel). So my suggestion is that whenever quarrel starts, one partner should leave the battle field resulting in singling out of the other partner.
In the beginning, I also had to face the same problems. There had been a close friend of mine and he happened to be my neighbourer too. Me and my partner watched them continuously for three months and never found them quarreling to each other while during this period me and my partner had to discontinue dialogue between us once for a complete day. After three months, one day my friend invited us on dinner. After having our dinner with them, while having a cup of coffee, I asked my friend that how it had been possible for them to avoid anger and contentions between him and his wife. My friend and his wife smiled and looked at each other. Then my friend told me that they had entered into an agreement. They had taken a decision that when one of them would feel anger, the other partner would observe silence without speaking a single word. He reminded me that it needed two to make a quarrel and it was not possible for one to fight with him/herself for long time. After speaking two or three sentences she/he also gets cool. Then other partner starts speaking in normal manner as if nothing had happened. I liked the decision of my friend. So I decided to analyze the cause of anger and strife between the partners.
For first five situations, I framed a sentence ‘quarrel undesirable, must be avoided’. I abbreviated this sentence as “qumba”. We both discussed the plan and agreed that whenever one will feel anger, the other, instead of getting irritated will say the word qumba. She/he will repeat the word in response to every sentence of the partner who is angry. After this whenever the contention started in between us either due to misunderstanding or for any other such reason, instead of getting irritated, in reply I said qumba and smiled. My wife again said next sentence, then again instead of getting irritated, I again said qumba and again smiled. Three times this happened. After that my wife stopped and then said ‘kuchh bolate kyon nahin, yah qumba, qumba kyaa lagaa rakkhaa hai’ (What is this qumba qumba? Why you don’t say some thing). Then I said “yaar I am not in a mood to decide the issue right now, we will decide it later”. Thereafter, I stood up and walked a few steps. Then I asked her if she would like to have a cup of tea. She asked me if I wanted to have tea. I said yes. Then she prepared tea and we had our tea together. After that we both were so normal as if nothing had happened between us. Next time when I felt anger, she gave me the same treatment.
When feelings are hurt, it becomes a bit difficult to control the situation. One should try its level best to avoid such situations. However, if it had already happened then I would like to say that feelings can be healed or cured only by feelings. For this purpose, we decided that whenever such situation will arise, the offender will immediately tender his/her apology. She/he will say “sorry, very sorry, really I am sorry for hurting your feelings. I never intended to hurt you. I should not have said or done this”.
In Sanskrit it has been said “satyam bruaat priyam bruaat”. (Speak the truth which is sweet.) Further it has been said that one should not speak the truth which hurts somebody. So even if one partner has spoken the truth which has been a fact, it should have been avoided. Person, who speaks a truth which hurts other’s feelings, is guilty. That is why attention of a one eyed person is not drawn by addressing him one eyed and a blind person is not addressed by calling him blind. One should always remember the noble thought “Apologizing doesn't mean that you are wrong and the other is right, it means that you value the relationship more than your ego”. Also, when you don’t feel shyness in tendering apology before outsiders, then why you should be ashamed of saying sorry to your life partner. Apology should always be tendered in proper manner and by heart. In this case, after saying sorry, process of persuasion should also be adopted. We should not forget that gentle persuasion is more effective than force.
Sometimes we use another tactics. When I find that situación may go out of control, then I say to my partner “yaar tuma toh mujhe yon hi daante chali jaa rahi ho. Aakhir ko main bhee society kaa ek sammaanit vyakti hoon. So have some sympathy.”. (You are scolding me for nothing. After all I am also a respectable person of the society. I deserve for your sympathy). Then my partner cools down and says “daant kahaan rahi hoon, aapaki galatee hee toa aapako bataa rahee hoon”. Whenever I am in a angry mood, she gives me the same treatment.
I call this theory of mine as ABC theory. Alphabet A is used by me for avoiding the situation, B for bypassing the situation and C for conceding. I have been exercising this theory since a long time and have found it useful. Readers of this article may use their own abbreviations.
In the last I will like to point out that these are my original thoughts and hence wrong or incorrect inferences cannot be denied. Also some of my friends may find some thought incomplete. I also request the readers of this article to suggest their own ways to tackle the issue by leaving their comments. I will welcome those suggestions and will like to bring a revised post on the issue because I consider it a serious issue. If the issue continues in any family, the family cannot be happy and the issue may lead to severe consequences including loss of relationship.